Spiritual Practice Essay
December 17th, 2009
It has been a long, tree-lined road to here. When I was little, I used to find joy in the fact that my name meant ” a grove of ash trees” because I loved trees so much. I was a little Catholic girl who didn’t understand that she didn’t fit correctly into the dogma of the church. I loved nature, and spent long summer days beneath the shade of trees and long winter nights sloshing around in the muddy sludge of the country side. I dreamt of Ireland, and how much Delaware reminded me of that which I’d seen in movies and photographs. Winter was grey skies and frost, and spring brought the most vivid greens to the fields around my home. My dreams always returned to Ireland, and I became enamoured with the culture. The perhaps fanciful visions of a young girl who always dreamt of greater things always accompanied me during my walks with nature. I could hear the Ocean on the wind on especially stormy days, as the beach was only 5 miles from my house. I often had visions of spirits, either fighting on my lawn or traveling across the sea by boat. I could feel a connection with the land; the memories of what it once knew. The earth itself had a consciousness.
It took me years to realize that very little of my relationship with nature was “normal”, and whatever it was it was certainly not Catholic. My first introduction to Paganism was through Wicca, because a friend of mine wanted to learn more about the Craft. At first, I was terrified that Jesus would hate me, and then I realized through my fears that this felt natural. Working with nature rather than against it fit me in a way that Catholicism never could. I began to feel frustrated with the laws of man versus the laws of nature, as I couldn’t figure out why the world around me insisted on fighting their nature to become something they’d made up.
And then the land I had grown up on, it’s fields, beaches, and forests, became ravaged by builders. They mowed down my trees, the friends I associate with my very name, and chipped them into mulch. The tore up my fields, the energy and the memories of which I had come to know, and planted cookie cutter houses. They named their new streets after the trees they had cut down. I felt like someone had punched me directly in the soul using a train. The spirits of the land became enraged. Some sent spirits to me to draw my attention to their pain. Some took down the houses these men had so carelessly built by storm and by wind. I beheld the terrible beauty of nature, in her gentleness and her fury. I am a part of nature, and nature is a part of me. We are inextricably entwined.
A couple years ago, I decided it was time for me to take a more active stance away from the charade of Catholicism and finally be open about who I really was. It was hard to stand up and proclaim how different you are. I explored a couple of local Pagan groups, but nothing quite matched my spirituality. A friend of mine reintroduced me to Wicca, or at least a very watered down version of it. It was enough for the time being to concentrate my energy on, until something in me snapped again. Some spirit moved in me and showed me that this was not quite what my path was meant to be, but that I was on the right track. When the group I was practicing with elected (fully within their right) to remove the tree in our ritual space, my body instinctively revisited the same feelings I had when I witnessed my heart’s home being ripped down. It was a very difficult lesson to learn, but it showed me my path directly. I was a Druid, plain and simple. Not simply because I’m a “tree person”, but because of how deeply the movements of nature resonate with me.
My Irish heritage colored my fledgling Pagan spiritual practice, but now the path I was forging had become a road. I needed to find others of my kind to resonate with, because I felt (and still do) that together we could create something truly special. A force to be reckoned with. Fortunately for me, I found CedarLight Grove. Through my spiritual practice of repeated meditation, honoring the spirits with offerings, and staying true to who and what I am, I became empowered and entirely unafraid. I began to wonder at which spirit had been accompanying me all those years through all my trials, because I know the entity was female. I started doing some research into my Irish hearth culture and discovered something amazing: my patroness was The Morrighan. She did not push me to find her, but she made herself known to me when I was ready to accept the aid of a Goddess. It was like meeting an old friend after centuries of being apart. I’ve never felt such joy and confidence as when my spiritual Mother and I united again. (I find it interesting that I feel this is “again”.) Through careful research, and guided by my passion, everything clicked. The phantoms I had seen as a child, the feeling of distant memory, the feeling of being destined for something, my multiple face-offs with death, the difficult lessons I’d endured, prophetic visions and dreams, they were all characteristic of her teachings and personality. She and I have much in common, even in that she had two sisters. (There’s a difference between A morrigan and The Morrighan, I’d like to point out.)
Druidry and regular practice/worship have taught me who I was meant to be. I understand now, more clearly than ever, that I have a darkness in me and also a light. I know what I’m here for, and pray that I will be blessed with the time to fulfill it. The Morrighan gave me faith. ADF Druidry gave me the structure I needed. In other words, I was given a set of crow’s wings with which to fly. Druidry has granted me freedom from the fear of death. I know she will come when the time is right. It has also given me the tools with which to communicate with spirits, such as my ancestors and nature spirits, in ways I could not reach entirely on my own. I now have teachers in the mundane world, people I look up to at the Grove, and powerful teachers from the other side of the Veil. For someone who’s life hangs in the balance on a daily basis due to chronic illness (that will indeed become terminal in a decade or so), there can be no greater comfort.
Through Morrighan I have come to know other Irish Ascended Masters/Shining Ones/Gods and have begun building a relationship with them as well. Manannan MacLir and I have a relationship similar to that of a grandfather to his granddaughter. I was born in Lewes, DE within sight of the Atlantic Ocean, the physical representation of his realm. He is as the sea is; eternal and knowing and filled with memory. As a child of the sea myself, it’s call is always just at the edge of my consciousness. Manannan teaches me the importance of love and family. Both he and Morrighan are magical entities; they are both sorcerers and seers. They are both guardians of the dead. Both have a prominent place in my heart.
I have also come to know a few other Gods of note, such as Lugh, Dagda, and Aine. Each of them have taught me valuable lessons about life. I feel utterly blessed to be in such good company.
I intend to spend my life working with and getting to know my guides, and dedicate my life in servitude to Morrighan. There may come a time in which I consider Manannan a patron as well, but that time has yet to pass. Morrighan is possessive and active, where Manannan is patient to a fault and passive. I have built my spiritual practice upon intuition and scholarship, and a deep love for nature. I look forward to taking action and being the change I wish to see in the world. I was born to do so.
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